I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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