he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My bed smells like the plague
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