just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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