im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
