Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You made out with two different species that night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
