I'm going to jail i love you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
