When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So. Much. Porn.
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