I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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