Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
