Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
