May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
