weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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