I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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