Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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