quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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