I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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