I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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