Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
