I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
