what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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