Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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