im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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