Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize