Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
