i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
