You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
