I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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