I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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