She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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