why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
