Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
