The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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