I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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