if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
