Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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