I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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