so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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