Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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