I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
