yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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