I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
