If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
