You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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