I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
