I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
