Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
