nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
