Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
