i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
