He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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