everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
