no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
