I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
