I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
