worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize