she woke up with a sticky ear
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
