My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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