two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
