If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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