You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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