remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
