dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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