I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
