im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize