he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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