ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
