I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
